Last night I had a dream that I was killed. I was in the car, alone, when suddenly a siren went off. I didn't have my cell phone to call John. So I thought I would drive to him. As I started to drive, I saw a tornado, this huge twisting mass coming right toward me. I was so foolish to stay in the car, I thought. Before I could do anything else, the tornado was upon me. The car started to spin, and was lifted into the air. I knew I was going to die. It was inevitable, the way I felt when I gave birth to Will, that he was GOING to come out and I was just going to have to make it through those moments. So, in the tornado, I prayed, just closed my eyes and asked God to forgive my sins and take me to Him.

Then I woke up.

What struck me as I tried to go back to sleep was the moment, in the dream, where I knew I was going to die. I did not think about my family, my husband and little baby, my parents, my brother who died 8 years ago. I thought only of God, of making sure I was right with him before I died. For the longest time I felt that salvation came through confession. Everything would be all right if, before you die, you asked God to forgive your sins in Christ's name. If you didn't have a chance to ask forgiveness, and you had committed some sins since the last time you asked, you might not go to heaven. I think deep down that is really what bothered me about my brother's death, since he died committing a sin in my eyes. How could he go to heaven if he still had a sin between him and God?

My ideas of salvation have changed since I studied the Bible more fully. Once we are saved, we continue to sin and repent, but we are still saved. I know this, but my dream was very telling to me. In the dream I was not preparing to go meet God so much as I was frightened that God would not take me. No specific sins sprang to my mind-- I just recognized that I was sinful. Perhaps I saw myself as I thought God would see me, small and sinful, unworthy of his company.

I haven't worked on this blog for a LONG time, as I have been occupied with my February Mama blog, which is about my pregnancy and the birth of our son. I wish I could effectively combine the 2 sites now, as they intersect so much. But for now I will try to continue to write about my spiritual life here, and I just accept that there will be a lot about my baby in here. Having a child makes me, more than ever before, want to strengthen my relationship with God.

I got pregnant in May, and it is no coincidence for me that during that time I was undergoing a big spiritual rejuvanation. I was reading A Wife After God's Own Heart, and putting my energy into making changes in my life to be a more godly, spiritual woman. During that time I was also reading in 1 Samuel about the story of Hannah, who prays fervently for a son and promises to give that son, should God provide him, to God after he is weaned. After I read the story my heart simply ached with longing for a child. My husband and I had just started trying for a baby. In fact, it was the first month that we had started trying. I read about Hannah sitting next to a fountain, spring in full bloom in California, and I prayed: Please, Father, give me a child, and I will give him back to you.

It was 2 days later that I conceived Will.

We're not going to church now, during this time that Will is too little to be around large groups of people. We are having church at home, singing hymns that I used to sing in the Boise church, reading passages from the Bible, and praying. And I have been thinking a lot of what it means to give Will back to God.

My heart is so full of gratitude and joy, with this new person in my life, this new love.

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.-Deuteronomy 33:12

Today I had a really good prayer, the kind where, when I was through talking, I actually felt the love of God. I felt so safe, so protected, as if God was holding me in the palm of his hands.

I love days like this, because they are fairly rare. Since the days when I was first baptized, I haven't felt "in love with" God all the time, or on a predictable basis. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I love my friends and family, but it doesn't feel like an overwhelming emotional love all the time. That is part of the daily struggle of being a Christian, to not just go through the motions of having a relationship with God, but to constantly seek a real connection in all possible ways: physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional.

So today I felt a real connection, which made me feel like whatever happens in this world, I will be okay because God is in control. And God loves me.

A good day.